When You Are Too “Complex” -Maybe Unnecessarily

I don’t like it, I don’t enjoy the fact, that I enjoy someone’s company, and I don’t like it when I get someone as my habit, an addictive and slow toxic habit to myself. I don’t know what it’s to do with my past or my future, but I just don’t want it as my present, it just haunts me. It feels like the scariest dream for me, and I don’t understand why but, I feel like I’m shirked with every indulging, comfortable environment I set to be, I may be enjoying it, fantasizing it more and more, but deep down there I know I’m drowning!!! I’m a normal person, I laugh, I dance, I scream and I shout and, also get rejoiced with senseless, stupid things, but then again, I don’t know what happens, it just feels like it’s not mine, it’s not me. I always have space, boundaries, and distance with all most everything- people and the small little-in-depth conversations.

However, but still, I’m overly full with tons of “words”, with so many things to say. Hence, it’s unlike I go out of words, it’s really-really unlike that! but the thing is, I just choose not to let it out, I hate it when I come to realize “okay, I am letting it out” “oh- I am talking a little too much, or I just poured my heart out” and, I find myself in a very uncomfortable situation, when I realize “people want to hear me more!”. The thing is, I don’t want people to know anything, anything about me, or anything on me, it’s unlike I wanna keep any secrets but I just like that unnecessary mystery (maybe), I want my things, with me, I want to keep myself to my own zone.

Hence, I do have friends but they are more like an acquaintance and I like it that way! Thus, please, don’t get mistaken with some friendly gestures I share, with some couple of conversation, or a handful of city escape we end up having…

Anu K.C.

The British College

BBA (Level 6)